"640K ought to be enough RAM for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station."
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams
"A conscience is like a boat or a car. If you feel you need one, rent it." - J.R. Ewing
"A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it." -  Sir Thomas Beecham (1879 - 1961)
"A politician is a man who approaches every problem with an open mouth." - Adlai Stevenson
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." - Burt Bacharach
"An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching." - Mohandas Gandhi
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it." - E. B. White
"Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art." - Charles McCabe
"Any man who says he can see through women is really missing a lot." - Groucho Marx
"Backups?  Backups?  We don't need no steenking backups!" - Famous Last Words
"By the turn of this century, we will live in a paperless society." - Roger Smith, chairman of General Motors, 1986
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain
"Computer Department:  Mistakes made while you wait."
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso
"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. - G.B. Shaw in New Statesman, 23 March 1962 
"Disco is just the steady thump of a giant moron knocking in an endless nail." - Clive James, London Sunday Observer 17 Dec 78
"Disgruntled?" If I'm not, then I guess I'm "gruntled."  What the heck is "gruntled?"
"Don't make no sense that common sense don't make no sense no more." - John Prine
"First to come are the midgets, a monkey and a kid. Followed by those two one-armed jugglers, the ego and the id." - Gordon Lightfoot
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." - Mark Twain
"Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts." - Jeff Foxworthy
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
"Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness." -  George Jean Nathan
"Harmony is pure love, for love is a concerto." - Lope de Vega
"Harmony of aim, not identity of conclusion, is the secret of sympathetic life." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Harmony seldom makes a headline." - Silas Bent
"How Do I Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long" - Vince Gill
"How good bad music and bad reasons sound when we march against an enemy." -  Friedrich Nietzsche
"Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood." - Mary Hirsch
"I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course." -  Baldrick - Sense and Senility
"I don't think I handle the notes much differently from other pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, there is where the artistry lies!" - Artur Schnabel 
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa
"I have learned to just grit my teeth, change the subject, consider their deep total ignorance, fondle the guitar picks in my pocket and go on my way."
"I have no choice but to believe in free will." - Randy Wayne White
"I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Edison
"I just love the French. They taste just like chicken!" - Hannibal Lecter
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas J. Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up." - Benjamin Franklin
"I was simply furnishing a home. I love music ... and I don't think a $130,000 indoor-outdoor stereo system is extravagant." -  Leona Helmsley
"I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree." - W. B. Yeats
"I would travel all my life if loneliness was not the price." - Gordon Lightfoot
"I'd rather be in Biscuit City with my banjo in my hands than take a big vacation in some foreign land." - Gordon Lightfoot
"If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect." - Ted Turner
"If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon." - Gordon Lightfoot
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books." - Alan King
"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." -  Solomon Short
"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know." - Garry Shandling
"In any conflict the boundaries of behavior are defined by the party which cares least about morality." - Randy Wayne White 
"In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two." - Erich Fromm
"Inventions have long since reached their limit, and I see no hope for further developments." - Roman engineer Julius Sextus Frontinus, A.D. 10. - "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. - "All the easy stuff's already been invented." - my brother-in-law, PhD. in physics, 1988
"Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?  I don't know and I don't care." - William Safire
"It doesn't matter what clothes I wear I'll still look trashy!" - Dolly Parton
"It feels so good, knowing the watchman's gone." - Gordon Lightfoot
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan
"Just remember one thing in life - no matter where you go - there you are." - Peter Weller in The Adventures of Buckeroo Banzai (1984)
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
"Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop." - H. L. Mencken
"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." - H. L. Mencken
"Making music should not be left to the professionals." -  Michelle Shocked
"Maybe some lonesome picker will find some healing in my songs." - John Stewart
"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." - Victor Hugo
"Music is essentially useless, as life is." -  George Santayana 
"Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory." - Oscar Wilde
"Music, I suppose, will be the thing that sustains me when I'm too old for sex, and not quite ready to meet God." - Dolly Parton
"News Flash! - Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"
"One of the great tragedies of life is the murder of a beautiful theory by a gang of brutal facts." - Benjamin Franklin
"Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest." - Isaac Asimov
"Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice." -  George Jackson
"Rap is just another one of God's plagues on humankind for inventing Disco."  - Anonymous
"Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns
"Sex:  In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact." - Marlene Dietrich
"She's descended from a long line her mother listened to." - Gypsy Rose Lee
"So God bless the boys who make the noise on 16th Avenue." - Tom Schuyler
"Some people never see the light till it shines thru bullet holes." - Bruce Cockburn
"Sometimes I think it's a shame when I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain." - Gordon Lightfoot
"Still, there is a calm, pure harmony, and music inside of me." - Vincent Van Gogh
"That's a hell of an ambition, to be mellow. It's like wanting to be senile." -  Randy Newman
"The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk." - Alben W. Barkley (1877-1956)
"The nice thing about Standards is there are so many to choose from." - Michael Santovec
"The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes—ah, that is where the art resides." - Artur Schnabel
"The only difference between boring and laid back is a million dollars."
"The problem with internet quotes is you never know if they're actually authentic." - Abraham Lincoln
"The Space Shuttle ends where the subway begins. There's a tear on the face of the moon." - Gordon Lightfoot
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." - Will Rogers
"There's only two things that money can't buy and that's true love and home grown tomatoes." - Guy Clark
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think: I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld
"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." - Isaac Asimov
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." - Isaac Asimov
"... what's the story, Morning Glory?" - Gordon Lightfoot
"We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party." - Mohandas Gandhi
"When your enemies are making mistakes, don't interrupt them." - from the film "Moneyball"
"Who so loves believes the impossible." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"Yes, I guess, they oughtta name a drink after you." - John Prine
"You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice."
"You must be Daddy's little pumpkin, I can tell by the way you roll." - John Prine
"You've broken the speed of the sound of loneliness ..." - John Prine
"You've got to dance like nobody's watching." - Kathy Mattea
4 priests, 12 rabbis, and 24 lawyers walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Is this a joke?"
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra ...
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: First, get a huge block of marble; then chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dang, that was fun!"
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
A lady friend of mine told me that at her age she has found that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.
A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A preposition must never be used to end a sentence with.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Advice - Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your forehead.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
After Tuesday the calendar says: "WTF"
Alcohol and Calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the King.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to be paid back.
Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Always remember: Pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always remember you are unique, like everyone else.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
An expert is someone who is tenacious enough to spend an infinite amount of time muddling through the obscure to realize the obvious.
An optimist invented the airplane, but a pessimist invented the parachute.
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
Anal Glaucoma - When you just can't see yourself dragging your ass into work today.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?
Animal testing is a bad idea - they get nervous and give the wrong answers.
Are the kids on the Barney Show just too damn happy?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Are you tired, rundown, listless?  There's a nap for that.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her paper or plastic? Doesn't matter, she replied, I'm bisackual.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.
Assphasia- a condition where your face looks so much like your butt your bowels don't know which way to move.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Avoid unnecessary, unessential and needless repetition and redundancy.
Bad breath is better than no breath.
Be different. Conform.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Better living through denial.
Black holes really suck.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste.
Can a blue man sing the whites?
Can "green" people eat green food?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can you buy anything specific at a general store?
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
Chastity is curable if detected early.
Cogito ergo Popeye. I think, therefore I yam what I yam!
Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam.
Cogito ergo dim sum. I think I'll have Chinese tonight.
Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other person can spell.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.
Consciousness - the annoying time between naps.
Consider, the Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Cranial-Rectal Inversion Disorder - a condition where one's head is where one's butt should be and vice-versa, causing an otherwise sensible person to make an ass of himself.
Deja Blue:  Sad again, sigh.
Deja Boo: I wasn't scared before but I am now.
Deja Coo: Not that damned pigeon again!
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Deja FU: The feeling that you've screwed this up before.
Deja Goo: The feeling that you've stepped in this before.
Deja Loo: I've heard this flush before!
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Deja New: What?  Again?
Deja Ooh!  Cool again!
Deja Poo!  Curb your dog!
Deja Roo: What? ANOTHER marsupial?!!!
Deja Sue:  Either another date or another court date.
Deja Too: From the Department of Redundancy Department ...
Deja Who: I'm sorry, and your name is ...?
Deja Woo: Hmm, I think I've seen this Chinese guy before.
Deja You: Don't I know you?
Deja Zoo: Oh crap, I'm in the monkey cage again!
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Did you hear about the cow that liked jazz? It mooed indigo.
Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do not argue with an idiot He will drag you down to his level  and beat you with experience.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good toasted.
Do people in France use American ticklers?
Do unto others, then run like hell.
Does it bother you that doctors call what they do a practice?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Don't be accommodating, be honest.  I honestly don't have much more time for anything else.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Don't tell anyone, but duct tape is The Force. It has a dark side, and a light side, and it binds the Universe together.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue ...
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
Even if you are happy to see me, get that umbrella outta my butt!!!
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then  proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everybody repeat after me ...We are all individuals.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing.
Fear has its use but cowardice has none. - Mohandas Gandhi
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friction can be a real drag.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move the bodies.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Gun control is like trying to eliminate drunk driving by not allowing sober people to own cars. 
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
He who runs behind truck is exhausted, he who runs in front of truck is tired.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Hospitality:  Making your guests feel like they're at home,  even if you wish they were.
How can you tell when the blue cheese goes bad?
How come a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands ...
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be  devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my  foot.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I hate sex in the movies. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice really chilled the mood. 
I have NOT lost my mind!  I've got a backup around here somewhere.
I heard about a dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog ...
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late to meetings.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!
I just got a physical and asked the doctor, "How do I stand?" He said, "That's what puzzles me!"
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I  said "Implants?"
I see no virtue in outliving my ability to have fun.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
I tried to backup my hard drive but I couldn't figure out how to put it in reverse
I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off. 
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I was on a chat last night and I thought: "I must have Asperger's or I wouldn't be sitting here arguing with a monitor!"
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours/7-days a week, why do they have locks on the front door?
If a book about failures does not sell, is it a success?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from?
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can actuallu use either one, it's a miracle.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet?
If it ain't broke fix it anyway! If it's broke fix it and make it worse!
If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If toast always lands butter-side-down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped a piece of toast on the back of a cat & dropped it?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some  people have more than one child?
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you blow into a dog's face, it will drive it crazy. Why is it when you take them for a ride in a car, they stick their head out of the window?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they'll find an easier way to do it.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and Milk Of Magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.
If you were driving your car at the speed of light, and you turned on your headlights. Would anything happen?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
If your mechanic claims that he stands behind his brake jobs, keep looking. You want to find one willing to stand in front of them.
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'm going to forget.
I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm retired.  I wake up in the morning with nothing to do, and by bedtime I have it only half done.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it appear normal.
In the game of life, always remember the Rule of Holes - "When you're already in one, stop digging!"
Individualists of the world, UNITE!
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Introducing LITE - the new way to spell LIGHT with 20% fewer letters!
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't "terminal" kind of a bad name for a building where huge metal objects get loaded up with people and then roar down a runway and somehow, magically, get lifted up in the air, with everyone on board hoping like heck that it will all work?
It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I ... um ... er ... uh ...
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
Just what the hell was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Karma is like a rubber band: You can only stretch it so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
Life is a salad bar and I just keep banging my head on the sneeze guard.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual trip around the sun.
Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. - Leo Buscaglia
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. 
My mind is like a steel trap: rusty, and illegal in 37 states.
My mind works like lightning - one brilliant flash and it is gone. 
Never argue with a fool; he will soon beat you with his experience.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing says poor craftsmanship more than wrinkled duct tape.
Occasionally doing something totally crazy prevents permanent insanity.
OK:  Moths and sweaters.  I just don't get the attraction.
Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
Old dog still learning - please don't shoot yet
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Oooo, baby, it's a big old goofy world. - John Prine
Opticalrectitus - a condition in which the optic nerve is connected to the anus. The major symptom is that all observations are routed through the wrong orifice.
Optirectumitis - where the optic nerve gets crossed with the rectal nerve resulting in a crappy outlook on life.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Please!  I am NOT cheap!  I'm easy, but I'm NOT cheap!!!
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. - Niels Bohr
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was damned hard to write in the first place, and it should be damned hard to understand!
Religion is for people who fear hell.  Spirituality is for those who have been there.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Rock is dead, long live paper & scissors.
Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Some people are like a Slinky toy - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Some people just don't know how to drive, I call these people "Everybody But Me." 
Sometimes it's wise not to do anything about the things about which you can do nothing.
Stable relationships are for horses.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Say a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free Is that sex for money usually costs a lot less!
The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional to ... to ... uh ...
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The difference between the Pope and your boss is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the  cheese.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The gene pool sure could use a little more chlorine.
The good old days: When sex was dirty & Michael Jackson was black.
The hilarious thing about self-important self-righteous people is that they are so easily baited.
The next conference for the time travel design team will be held two weeks ago.
The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
The online world today is a scary place so remember, practice safe hex.
The only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good  ideas!
There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. -  Steve Martin
There's nothing more annoying than Stravinsky or the Sex Pistols being drowned out by "You've got mail!"
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Think honk if you're telepathic.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 
Try not to let your mind wander; it's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Unable to close TROUSER.ZIP! - Replace floppy and retry (Y/N)?
UnHallmark Card: Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
UnHallmark Card: How could two people as beautiful as you ... have such an ugly baby?
UnHallmark Card: I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
UnHallmark Card: I'm so miserable without you - it's almost like you're here.
UnHallmark Card: My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat.  When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Very funny Scotty - now beam down my clothes.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
Well then, how much does the disk drive weigh fully loaded with data? - actual 1970s executive's question to an IBM salesman
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happened to Preparations A through G?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
What if there were no rhetorical questions?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the speed of dark?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
What's another word for synonym?
What's another word for thesaurus?
What's so great about sliced bread?  Isn't the bread slicer really more impressive?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When God is amazed, does he say:  "Oh my Me!"?
When he who hears does not know what he who speaks means, and when he who speaks does not know what he himself means, that is philosophy - Voltaire
When I am asked, "What do you think of our audience?" I answer, "I know two kinds of audiences only--one coughing, and one not coughing." -  Artur Schnabel
When in doubt assume that, once again, you've outsmarted yourself.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts?" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire  Department usually uses water.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt - In case heaven is like the IRS.
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down till the feeling goes away.
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Where there's a will - I want to be in it.
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when you can't smoke there?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there tags on blow-dryers that say Do Not Use In The Shower? Is this really a problem?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why can we shop in a store but we can't store in a shop? But, we can shop in a market and market in a shop!
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why do people keep $50k worth of cars in the driveway and $1k of junk in the garage?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do the Alphabet song, Baa, Baa Black Sheep and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Why do you always turn down your radio when looking for an address?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
Why does a cowboy have two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.
Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that when people talk about something that needs to be given more attention, they say it needs oversight. But when someone forgets to do something and things get fouled up, they say it was an oversight.
Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it such a big deal when something is "unprecedented?"  Everything is unprecedented until it happens for the first time.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already-lit button as though he has some magical powers that you don't?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why isn't the word phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You ... ewe ... yew?  No wonder this English is so hard to learn!
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You know how most packages say "Open here"? What if it said, "Open somewhere else?"
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
Your density is wearing thin.
Zen master to hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."