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TITANIC FAQ - (Frequently Asinine Questions)

Q - Hey!!! Look, you haven't updated this freaking FAQ page in, like, years! What's up?!!!

A - Who are you and why do you keep nagging me? Geez. Look, you may not have a life, ok? I DO have a life. And, besides, my FAQ is so perfect it doesn't need to be updated! Well. Until some schmuck like you posts a question like this!!! Geez. Go fight world hunger or something, will you?

Q - WOW! Did your web site win an award?!

A - YES! I gave it to myself. I mean, really now, what's the likelihood that anyone else is going to award anything of value to this web site?

Q - Is this what Jack Webb was talking about when he kept saying: "Just the FAQs, ma'am."

A - You are not well.

Q - So, like, who are you?

A - Jack Webb. No. Actually, we're not sure anymore. Our name has been changed so many times to protect the innocent that we'll answer to almost anything.

Q - Golly! are you in the Witness Protection Program?

A - Yes. Jehovah's Witnesses everywhere are now safe from me. By the way, you forgot to capitalize the first word in that second sentence.

Q - Why do you have a FAQ?

A - Because you're supposed to have a FAQ on a web site to explain all the stuff that YOU didn't bother to read.

Q - What's with the Canadian flag?


A - My wife is Canadian. And American. Dual citizenship, two passports, I like Canadians, and she's nice. No, she doesn't say "Eh?" Although I do once in a while just to see her reaction. She usually doesn't hit me which is nice. She didn't even want her picture here because she really doesn't want to be associated with this thing. She figures being married to me is punishment enough to get her into heaven. And I always agree with Saint Sharman! (Oh. By the way, did you notice that the flags are gone? Yeah, I got tired of them. Hey, call your congressman!)

Q - This whole music on the computer thing you did is pretty out there. Have you lost your mind?

A - Why? Have you seen it?

Q - Why is there no "site map" on your site?

A - Sigh. Click "General" above and READ!

Q - Why doesn't this page have a background image like the others?

A - Oh, fine! All right. HERE!!!

Q - Can you come to my home and do all this music and network stuff to my PC for me?

A - ABSOLUTELY! I charge $800.00 per day consulting fees plus expenses. I fly first class, consider a Holiday Inn "roughing it," and make absolutely no guarantees that anything I touch will still be working when I leave. Email me. (Update 2014 - no takers so far!)

Q - Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Like, maybe saving the rain forests?

A - (see above definition of the acronym "FAQ.")

Q - Did your mother drop you on your head when you were little?

A - Frequently. With love. It's how I learned to play basketball.

Q - If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many peppers did Peter Piper pick?

A - 237. And he rubbed his eyes and got hot pepper juice in them and had to be taken to the hospital.

Q - Can I come over to your house and listen to all your MP3 files?

A - NO!

Q - I notice you don't have anything at all on your web site about Bill Clinton.

A - I noticed that too. I also noticed that wasn't a question. You wanna get with the format here?

Q - What's that little gizmo called that makes stuff beep when you walk out of the store?

A - A Lingelbug.

Q - Really?

A - No. I lied. It's a Collingsworth Emitter.

Q - Wow! No kidding?

A - Yep. Kidding.

Q - I read the whole thing about this computer music stuff. Man, how come all this is so hard!!!?

A - If it were easy it wouldn't be worth it. No, wait! That was the smartass answer. "Because you haven't tried it yet and found out just how difficult (or easy) it really is. You might find out it's not as hard as talking about it."

Q - Do you really hate Bill Gates?

A - No, not really. At least that's what my lawyer says.

Q - Is Bill Gates the Anti-Christ?

A - No! Well, uh, no.

Q - I heard that Bill Gates is really an alien. How about that?

A - I heard that too. But it probably isn't true. Well, I guess it could be. Naw, probably not. Hmm.

Q - Is it true that Bill Gates is a Scientologist? You know, that wacky cult founded by that dead science fiction writer?

A - Well, he does have a lot of money ... No, of course not! Geez. Why don't you leave poor Bill alone?

Q - Will anyone ever make a software product that really works well all the time?

A - Ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AHHH, HA HA HA HA HA! Oooooo, boy, that's a good one!

Q - How come you haven't added anything to the FAQ in, like, oh, 3 (umptee-ump) years?

A - Good grief! How about you check back here more often than every three or four years, ok?

Q - Oh no! Your site now requires javascript to be enabled in my browser to use the menus! I've heard that javascript is evil, that it can infect my computer, that my young children may even be molested by it! What's wrong with you?

A - As of November 2007 that's just not true anymore. Sheesh. Where have you been?!!!

Q - Would you please stop singing!!!

A - NO! - And, by the way, bite me!

This page last changed: January 28, 2016 - 10:56 AM USA Eastern Time

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