Rednecks . . . [Categories]

How To Tell If You Might Be A "High-Tech Redneck"

If your email address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone
If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go"... and you still don't miss her
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
If you start all your emails with the words "Howdy y'all"
If your spell checker knows words like "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon"
If your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU's, Printers, Modems, and Monitors
If your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" Hard drive

IF THREE OR MORE APPLY then you are DEFINITELY a Hi-Tech Redneck!

You know your a redneck if....

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
You've ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.
You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State trooper to "kiss my A**".
The primary color of your car is "Bondo".
Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road".
You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your wifes hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital.
Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best motion picture.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland.
You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What are you looking at s***head.
You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think Campho-phenique is a miracle drug.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.
You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening on the lube rack.
You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.
Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.
Your front porch collapses and kill more than three dogs.
You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.
After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.
You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.
Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.
You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.
You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.
You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.
You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.
You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the message "For a good time, call _______."
Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.
You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.
Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.
You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."
You call your boss "Dude."
You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos."
You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.
You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks than cars.
Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."
You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."
Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.
You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."
Your favorite actors are Gomer Pyle, Goober, and Barney Fife.
Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Either way, you're gonna lose a trailer!

Copyright 1997, Edmund J. Mullen