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1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command"> and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and
I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my
computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped,
it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion at a trade
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know
anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
You'd better be prepared if your computer is attacked by one of these viruses!
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, bute we cant figyour outt watt!
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
PAT BUCHANNAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impending hard disk attack: Once if by LAN; twice if byC:\.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you order new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. A
THE CSE, THE TTL AND THE PRICER
So, the CSE, the TTL and the Pricer are driving back from a customer visit late one evening in Kansas and get lost.
They stop at a farm and ask if they can stay the night. The Kansas farmer welcomes them in but says he only has two extra bedrooms, someone will have to stay in the barn. The CSE and the TTL both turn to the Pricer who shrugs her shoulders, grabs her PC and heads out toward the barn.
The farmer welcomes the CSE and TTL in and asks if they'd like an Amstel Light as a nightcap. Shortly, there is a knock at the door. It's the Pricer who says "There's no electricity in the barn so I won't be able to finish the P&Ls we need by morning and also that barn has animals in it so I'm not spending the night out there."
The CSE turns to the TTL who stands up and announces that he isn't afraid of any darn farm animals and heads out the door to the barn. The Kansas farmer wishes him a good-night, closes the door and then heads off to the kitchen to get an Amstel Light for the Pricer (who is the process of plugging in her PC) and a second Amstel Light for the CSE.
But after only a few moments there's a knock at the door. In bursts the TTL who says "I don't mind a few animals but that barn is FULL of animals, big cows and oinking pigs. There is no way I'm staying out in that barn."
All eyes turn to the CSE who throws up her hands exclaiming, "What I don't do to close a few simple deals. Fine, if I can deal with this marketing team and my customers I can certainly deal with a few cows and pigs" and stomps out the door towards the barn. The Pricer snickers into her PC and the TTL drinks up the rest of the CSE's Amstel Light and everyone begins to settle in for the night.
Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. The Kansas farmer opens the door and ... it's the cows and pigs...
THE GENIE AND THE BOSS
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you, I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
INTEROFFICE MEMO
TO: All Employees
FROM: MANAGEMENT GURU
RE: Death in the Office
It has recently been brought to our attention that many employees are dying while on duty, and for apparently no good reason. Furthermore, these same employees are refusing to fall over after they have expired. This practice must stop immediately.
Beginning this date, any employee found sitting up after his or her expiration will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation, in accordance with Standard Procedure No. 69, Section 8.
Where it can be proved that the employee is being held up by a desk, drafting table, typewriter, assembly bench or any other support which is Company property, a 90-day grace period will be granted.
If, after several hours, it is noticed that an employee has not moved or changed position, the department head will investigate the situation. Because of the sensitive nature of our employees and the close resemblance between death and their natural working posture, the investigation will be made quietly so as to prevent waking the employee if he or she is merely sleeping.
If some doubt exists as to the employee's true condition, extending a paycheck in front of the suspect to see if he or she moves shall be deemed an appropriate test; if the employee does not reach for the check, then it may be assume that he or she is dead. (Note: In some cases, the check-reaching instinct is so strongly developed that a spasmodic clutcher reflex action may occur; the investigator must take this into account in order to prevent drawing incorrect conclusions.)
In all cases, a sworn statement by the dead person must be filled out on a special form, in triplicate, provided for this purpose. One copy will be sent to Washington; one copy provided to the deceased as a courtesy in helping to keep personal records updated; the third will be promptly lost in Company files.
If it is determined beyond a reasonable doubt that an employee has died to prevent his appearance at work in order to "have a day off," the employee will forfeit one day's pay and benefits.
AT THE BAR
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
AT THE BAR-2
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
A NJ urologist named Richard Kress convinced the state Motor Vehicle Administration to issue him a vanity plate reading - "DICK DOC" - on the grounds that it was short for his daughter's favorite nursery rhyme, "Hickory Dickory Dock."
FOREIGN PHRASES (5/97)
The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.
Pointer crossed with a Setter = Poinsetter - a
traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier crossed with a Skye Terrier = Blue
Skye - a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees crossed with a Dachshund = Pyradachs
- a puzzling breed
Pekingnese crossed with a Lhasa Apso = Peekasso
- an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel crossed with a English Springer Spaniel
= Irish Springer - a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever crossed with a Curly Coated Retriever
= Lab Coat Retriever - the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland crossed with a Basset Hound = Newfound
Asset Hound - a dog for financial advisors
Terrier crossed with a Bulldog = Terribull - a
dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound crossed with a Labrador = Blabador
- a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute crossed with a Pointer = Moot Point -
owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie crossed with a Malamute = Commute - a dog
that travels to work
Deerhound crossed with a Terrier = Derriere -
a dog that's true to the end
ON A COFFEE BREAK ...
... four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was a Lockheed Martin employee who said his
dog was an excellent draftsman. His dog was named "T Square", and he told
his dog to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle
which the dog did with no problem.
The TRW employee's dog was named "Slide Rule", and he
claimed his dog could do calculations. He told him to go fetch a dozen
cookies, bring them back and divide them into four piles of three each,
which the dog did without eating a crumb.
The Boeing employee said that was all pretty good and
started to show what his dog "Measure" could do. He told him to go buy
a quart of milk and pour exactly seven ounces of it into a 20 ounce glass,
which the dog did without spilling a drop.
The three of them agreed that their dogs were all pretty
smart, and they all wanted to see what the Government employee's dog could
do. The Government employee snapped his fingers and his dog, "Coffee Break",
strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed the other three
dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed a Workman's Compensation form,
and went home on sick leave.
10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for
themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors
trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or
tortured to death over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to
you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups
to help you stop.
The Fundraising Problems of Father Murphy
Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. When he asked his Congregation for suggestions as to how to raise money for his Church, someone commented that horseowners always seemed to have money. So he went to a horse auction but made a very poor buy as his horse turned out to be a donkey. However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race.
The donkey came in third and the next morning the headlines in the paper read, "Father Murphy's Ass Shows." The Archbishop saw the paper and was very angry. The next day the donkey came in first and the headlines read, "Father Murphy's Ass Out in Front." The Archbishop was up in arms and figured something had to be done. In the meantime, Father Murphy had entered the donkey for a third time and it came in second, and now the headlines read, "Father Murphy's Ass Back in Place."
The Archbishop thought this was too much so he forbade Father Murphy to enter the donkey the next day which inspired the local editor to write, "Archbishop Scratches Father Murphy's Ass." When the Archbishop read this he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey immediately. It happened that he couldn't sell it quickly so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. Now the headlines read, "Nun Owns the Best Ass in Town." When the Archbishop saw the headlines, he ordered Sister Agatha to dispose of the animal at once. She was able to get ten dollars for it which prompted the following headline, "Sister Agatha Peddles Her Ass for Ten Dollars." They buried the Archbishop three days later.
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
No illegal entry to the studio is found so it is deduced to be an inside job. Unable to effect repairs in time, the inventor doesn't get on the show. No culprit is found. You should be able to get your own Lawn Buddy soon for about $39.95. What it says is your own business!
Worlds Scariest Police Chases! II - On this TV special on FOX (5/20/97), a drunk leads police on a long dangerous chase, smashing into other cars, ramming police cruisers and generally wreaking havoc on the roads until he finally crashes. The arresting officer approaches the car and asks, in an incredulous tone, "What the heck is the matter with you!?" To which the man drunkenly replies, "I need a beer."
1. The Female makes the Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without
prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all the rules,
she must immediately change some or all of the Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding which was a direct result of
something the Male did or said.
7. If rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately
for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point
in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express
written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at
any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the
Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances, let the Male
know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these Rules could result
in bodily harm.
14. If the Female has PMS all Rules are null and void.
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